Recovering Emotionally From River’s Carnivorous Seaweed

Jim has had two weeks off between the fellowship that just ended and going back to his private practice.

I need a vacation from his vacation. We will be back home soon and I might make out with our washer and dryer.

I posted this picture yesterday I took while sitting in my father in-laws backyard in Michigan.

Peter has dragged his net from the back of a kayak in the mountains of North Carolina to the ditches of rural Michigan.

I am not kidding when I tell you he jumped outof a boat in the river to catch a water snake. Seeing that snake wiggle back and forth through the water towards the banks made me happy that he had a net in his hand and couldn’t swim after it.

Here is Peter with his only catch from Michigan.  A praying mantis.  He longed to catch a newt at his Papa’s marsh but it had been so dry he was probably more likely to catch a desert lizard.  

  Our friends all learned to never go canoeing with me and if they do they better be faster than I am in a kayak.

The teenagersall learned that I won’t baby them, as I am an equal opportunity canoe flipper.

FYI, if you ever decide, (after flipping everyone’s canoes) to float the rest of the way down the river next to your kayak so as to foil anyone’s attempt to “get even”…DON’T!

I was on my back, not looking where I was going, with “Crazy Sarah”, (whom I had recently left canoe-less due to a water problem her canoe had after I rolled it he, he, he) when a field of underwater seaweed-garbully-gook-icky-BEsgusting-man-eating-venus-fly-trap-under-water-human-eating STUFF enveloped me.

If anyone in the entire southeast section of America heard a grown woman screaming like a baby girl relentlessly and without shame last week between the hours of approximately 4-4:30, it was me.

What you didn’t hear was our entire pack of friends laughing at me. “Crazy Sarah” was smiling her evil smile while saying, “There are probably snakes that live in that stuff too!”

I kicked in place. I was stuck like a fly in Jello with a fountain of water spewing above me from my futile swimming. I was screaming in tongues.

Crazy Sarah was probably secretly hoping to collect my bones when the carnivorous river vegetation was done with me.

Crazy Sarah and her bone collecting and zombie apocalypse story here…

Karma will always give us a good kick in the pants if we deserve it. I soooo deserved it!

The older boys have “pool noodle battled” all of their cousins in Michigan and discovered all the attention a scratch on the neck gets you when people think you have a hickey.

They also learned what a hickey is.

I cannot believe how much I have missed sharing stories. This blogging thing has really surprised me.

Thanks for letting me share,
Abbie
allthatmakesyou.com
All that makes you smile, laugh, think, love, cry or cry laughing.

God and That Sense of Humor

I just wanted one picture of my nieces at my boys soccer game during their visit last February to NC.  One is a teenager and wasn’t enthusiastic about photo op.  The other niece, while far more enthusiastic, missed her opportunity to smile when her unbridled energy caused her chair to flip backwards. I hit the clicker and as I looked down to check the photo and I saw she was upside down!  No worries as she was fine but…priceless.

-Abbie, All that makes you smile, laugh, think, love, cry or cry laughing.  allthatmakesyou.com

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“Call that guy at the Guinness book of world records!”

Me, “it’s probably a good idea to get those balls down before they hurt our hoop.” Son 1, “We are trying to figure out how to call THAT GUY from the Guinness Book of World Records.” Me, (with a hint of sarcasm) “I am just happy you didn’t put your energy towards, say hotdogs (eating for a record).” Boy 2, “That would look so funny to have all those hotdogs shoved up in the basketball hoop.” Boy 3, “(giggles like Beavis and Butthead)” Not naming them in case they ever decide to…say run for public office or ask a girl to a dance. They had “The Guinness Book of World Records” out and a phone and were calling all the numbers in the beginning of the book waiting for him to answer. I am certain the person who wrote Beavis and Butthead was a mother of little boys. I am also terrified I will have fireworks going off in my room in a trash can in the middle of the night.  Is this what the mothers of those guys on “Jacka$$” went through when those guys were young?  They do make me laugh! Ok, I am adding this.  I have no idea what I’m doing and am hoping someone can tell me if you can click my FaceBook link and see my page.  Anyone?  Thank you in advance!!!

Bad mom but good sense of humor?

Seriously?! on Sunday.

He thinks the mermaid’s shell bra is muscles.

He cannot see below his chin and I may have told him I made him into the Hulk.

This is why he is making the body builder flexing/Hulk face.

I really, really am a good mom.

The $hit my kid says is better than your dad’s $hit

“Old soul” is so over used.  Peter is more like a crotchety, disgruntled old man stuck in the body of a seven year old.  You all know the guy that became famous for sharing “Shit my dad says“, well his dad should know better!  When your young child starts saying this stuff you begin to believe in reincarnation, of Archie Bunker…

I am sharing with you today some of the $hit Peter says…

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When Peter was five years-old Jim was trying to wake up the boys early for breakfast.  He only had success with the older boys.  He lifted Peter’s blanket and said, “Time to get up!” Peter’s reply, “I keep trying to open my eyes but they keep closing. Can you just bring my coffee to bed?“

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“You have to try my coffee this morning it is so good!”  I tried it, it was good…it should have been it had about a cup of creamer and a pound of sugar! When did he start pouring himself a cup of coffee and who told him he could?  He was five.

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Peter instructed me that I was not to cheer him on during his first swim meet.   He told me I I was not to yell, “Go Peter! Kick, kick, kick, Good job!…” He said, “That is for BABIES!” I asked him what I may yell. He said, “ONLY ONCE you may say quietly in a Darth Vader voice, Go Peter”.  I looked so weird.

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“I’m drunk on chocolate milk mom!!!!!!

And the next step is a bar fight!!!!!”

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“Oh no! You gotta be kidding me!” I inquire as to what his dismay is about and his reply…

“Yesterday at tennis camp a kid had on this exact same shirt you laid out for me, (cute tennis rackets embroidered on it) and the other kids were whispering what a nerdy shirt it was and I was like yeah he looks like a super NERD, and now I have to wear the same shirt!”  I explained many lessons including Karma.

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When Peter started kindergarten I asked him how school was going.  Elliott, “Horrible. My assistant teacher is so mean!”

Me, “What is her name again?”

Peter, “Ms. No.”

Me, “Ms. Snow?”

Peter, “No! Ms. N-O! Like she says NO to everything! 

About a week later he came home from school and said, “Ms. No quit. I asked if she got fired but my teacher said she just quit.” Thank goodness we had a curriculum meeting that night. I asked his teacher if it was true she no longer had an assistant. She confirmed that Peter was correct.

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Our kids have traveled enough to be accustomed to walking through a metal detector. What struck them all funny while entering a pro basketball arena is that were using the wand to manually scan people. Peter stood in line for a long time completely fascinated watching people step up and put their arms out and legs out while the gal went all around them. He asked if they were going to do it to the kids as well. He asked what exactly they were looking for and he asked LOUDLY, “What are you going to do with your pocket knife mom?!” I felt it best to ignore him like he was just some crazy kid. He showed me. He waited until the mob of people were even closer to the security person and said again, “Whaaaatttt are you going to do with your pocket knife MOM?” It’s always a good day when it ends without my kids getting me arrested.

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He came home from first grade with the above picture.  I spent FOREVER trying to figure it out so he wouldn’t be insulted.  A mom having multiple babies perhaps?  I finally asked and wished I hadn’t.

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His reply, “Oh. that’s Fat Bastard from Austin Powers and he’s all like…GET IN MY BELLY!  That is the guy being sucked in his stomach.”  For the record my darling husband let him and his older brothers watch a couple of scenes from the movie, when I wasn’t around, I found out.

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Peter doing his kindergarten homework, “This is just ridiculous homework. She wants me to count our windows and doors. I’m only counting the doors that go outside.” He writes 8 for doors. Then I look down and ask him what he wrote in the space for windows, as I’m confused . Elliott, “I just wrote the symbol for infinity because this homework is dumb and I’m not walking around counting windows! Like I can’t count. I’m sure!”

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Pulled over to fill up with gas on our way home to NC and Peter proclaims, “Free air! Why would anyone pay for air? It’s everywhere! It’s even in your butt!”

He said he was going outside to play

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The kids had a random day off from school so I dragged Peter with me to run some errands. While at the mall and after telling poor Peter this was the last store, “I promise!” We were at the checkout counter when Peter did the thing I do to the kids when I mean business. Peter standing to my side said, “Mom” (to get me to look at his face) then he says, “Mom, I need you to walk back out of this store and through the mall with your eyes closed. Do you understand? No more looking…eyes closed.” (said out of the top of his eyes with a tortured look of Lurch from the Adams family.)

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This is what everyone with kids below age five think of their kids

Contrast

This is what happens when they turn five and have two big brothers.
“Mom, since I cannot tell if my hermit crab is a boy or a girl…can I name it uniSEX? (said with the sex in a low slow whisper and a coy look on his face) You know, like a bathroom and not like a bad word.”

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When the second year of swim season was about to begin I asked Peter if he wanted to be on the swim team again.  His reply, “No, and if you make me I will break my own arm so I can’t swim“.
Jim’s mom was here visiting. I am pretty sure I’m going to win “Mother of the Year” after this one…Peter, as most people know, prefers his hair on the “longer” side. It is currently on the longest of the longer sides right now. Jim’s mom asks him if he wants to got get a haircut. Peter’s reply was that he likes his hair like this and that he is not losing “that” twenty bucks. Jim’s mom confused asks him what he is talking about and he says, “two of my buddies and I have a bet who is going to get a haircut first and Will already got his cut now it’s just Andy and I left.” I was speechless and yet supportive of his endeavor and also certain none of them have thought about where the 20 bucks was coming from. 

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The teacher has him write down his favorite dish that is made at home and has him write down how to make it. Then the teacher has the parents submit the actual recipe. What recipe does Peter come home requesting? Beef loin with shallots and rosemary.

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 Peter’s perfect Saturday morning…Star Wars computer game..rockin the head phones, in his underwear, at his big brothers desk. You cannot keep clothes on him! He would live on Hot Tamales…he is so strange!

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Peter woke up recently chuckling. I asked him what was so funny that early in the morning. He replied, “Oh, I dreamt about tasing the Tooth Fairy. She was all sneaking and taking my tooth and I was like…my mom emailed you to leave it and the money! Then I taser her! It was so funny when she was like ahhhhh!”

He really is a sweet boy and will grow into, were hoping, a funny old man.  Read about our other two boys on the “Us” tab.  Follow my blog if you enjoy hearing about real kids who aren’t crafting all day and are in a Harry Potter book club and are usually barefoot in a creek with a golf club.  That is us.