Why I Will Never be Freshly Pressed
1. I didn’t put TEN REASONS why I will never be “Freshly Pressed” as my title. Everyone knows you need a numbered list.
2. I usually have a picture of children being rotten in my posts. The pictures are also of poor quality because I am snapping it with a phone while making sure whatever child is not in the picture isn’t running away and trying to join another family. Seriously, it’s a real possibility when your mom posts about everything including your “sperm diameter fears.”
3. My pictures of children are of my children at commercial places like Disney World‘s Epcot and not an ethnic and interesting child in Vietnam or some other culturally rich part of the world. I live in a subdivision. When we do go on vacation it is to places that don’t require a 22 hour plane ride and 9 vaccinations for each child.
4. I do not post pictures of food. I tend to eat food and not take photos of it. If I stopped to take a photo of my food or copy a picture of it, it’s probably because I don’t want to eat it because of what it looks like.
I am thinking I will print up the recipe & just leave
it on the kitchen counter for my kids to find.
5. I haven’t used the Hipstamatic
. What the hell is Instagram
? If it is what I think I have an entire tote of them from 1976 due to the acid in photo paper back then and my mom’s poor photo storage or lack thereof.
6. I do not participate in extreme sports and I certainly don’t lay on the ground while a skier or skateboarder does a trick over me for a photo opportunity
, living with three little boys is dangerous enough.
7. I don’t put pictures from famous, newly released movies and call it a review and a post. We all know your just taking some cute and cuddly picture of a character and slapping it up as your post because you are going to get people to click on it. Uh-huh, you know who you are. Those stats don’t count.
8. My parents were hippies. That means I averaged 45 absences per school year and I have no idea how to use a comma and what is the difference between a colon and a semicolon? Can’t poor punctuation and grammar be considered endearing?
9. I can only think of nine reasons and that isn’t a good round number for “Freshly Pressed.”