Do Not Tell My Kids About The Zombie Apocalypse!

“I told my kids the Zombie Apocalypse has started in Miami and we are awaiting confirmation from the government. This is what I have been preparing my kids for at the shooting range.”

I received this text message from my girlfriend I call “Crazy Sarah” yesterday.

I call her that for reasons that are already obvious to you.

When she calls my cell phone the photo below comes up. She already knows I use it for her contact information. When I drove past the sign I had to turn around to take a photo of it, then I sent it to her. I am wide open with teasing and she is fine with it. I like a girl that can handle ribbing like a man.

“Crazy” doesn’t scare me away. I decided before I met her I was going to be her friend.

I had heard about one of our country clubs members getting called before the board for her behavior during a couple’s golf tournament. The story spread like wildfire and I was fanning the flames. I wanted to know who this new member was that “borrowed” a plastic coyote out of one of my neighbors yards and drove around the golf course with it on top of her cart. I wanted to steal a plastic coyote intended to scare away pooping geese TOO!

I decided I liked her long before I really knew her. Now that I know her I am afraid to not be her friend.

She will be mid-sentence and suddenly go looking for her phone to call her husband. You will wait while she dials and when her husband answers you will hear her say, “DO NOT TOUCH MY DEAD SQUIRREL. I just got the maggots working. Leave it where it is.” Then she hangs up the phone and finishes her sentence. She collects bones.

So, you may remember my recent story “Two Broke(n) Girls” about my unlikely friendship and the reference letter I wrote for my bestie to give her new neighbors after they have met her the first time and decided they don’t like her, like I did. Well, my friend did indeed sell her house and I am distraught. Her family is going through their closing procedures and I am, (trying) to sound like a supportive friend, (because that is one of the things she taught me.)

Then I hit a moment of genius. Well, first I asked another friend that owns a nursing home if I could borrow a couple of dead bodies for a few hours before they have them “officially” hauled away.

When he didn’t respond to my text I had ANOTHER moment of genius!

Crazy Sarah and her animal bones! Crazy Sarah and her animal bones and my best friends home inspection! All I have to do is move Crazy Sarah’s dead-critter-science-experiment to my besties sealed crawl space. Throw in a few index cards with dates in front of the dead stuff and add a photo of my adorable fluffy dog, Lilly, and a future date written on her index card and…

They aren’t moving anywhere!

This was even better than the dead old people in the crawl space. That would have been a logistical nightmare and their yard is steep so hauling Fred and Myrtle would have been a two person job.

Then I remembered the high-pitched, sing-song voice that Crazy Sarah used when she said to her husband, “Do not touch my dead squirrel. I just got the maggots working. Leave it where it is.She was smiling as she said it.

I cannot move Crazy Sarah’s dead stuff. She will kill me and I will be part of her new “dead stuff collection.”

Ironically while I was writing this Jim and my boys were discussing music and I heard Jim say, “Suri, define “Crazy Train” and play song from “YouTube.”

Here I am with “Crazy Sarah” the bone collector.

She asked what we were going to do for the next picture and I said, “I’m gonna lick your nose!”  This is why I’m holding her cheeks and trying reach her nose and she is wearing a shocked face.  Who knows, maybe she calls me “Crazy Abbie.”

Here is to all of the friendships that help each of us be who we are. My bestie makes me proud to be a mom and mother and “Crazy” reminds me that just because we are those things it doesn’t mean we can’t have fun and…explore our own hobbies???

Abbie, All that makes you… allthatmakesyou.com

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We Would Live In A Zoo, Maybe We Do?

“I have decided I do not want a Veiled Chameleon anymore.  I would like a Jesus Christ Lizard instead.”  – Peter

He has been talking about this chameleon for MONTHS.  So I ask him why he changed his mind.  I also added the appendage to the question, “When your wife agrees one day.”  This is how I now answer pet requests.  “Sure, you can buy a ball python, as long as your wife agrees one day.”

Don’t judge. I spend every day making them put things back outside that they “rescued” from the pond.

His reply, “I want  a Jesus Christ Lizard because they walk on water.”

I answer, “That’s cool.”

(Photo courtesy of Strange Animals)

He adds, “Besides, you wouldn’t let me have the chameleon because it is a hundred dollars and if Jesus Christ dies he was only thirty-five bucks.

I don’t need a “wing man” I need an assistant to spend the day reasoning with three little boys why we don’t live in a zoo.  Oh, and to wash their turtle hands and check them for leaches…

Ok folks, this is a boy thing right?  Please tell me this is normal or else I am going to have to buy them a pet store one day with their college money.

– Abbie, All that makes you…  allthatmakesyou.com

Ten Things We Learned This Weekend  (Animal rescue in our backyard recently)

– Video Game That Goes Terribly and Hilariously Wrong (allthatmakesyou.wordpress.com)

Video Game That Goes Terribly and Hilariously Wrong

I was in the kitchen cooking and I hear horror movie screaming coming from the family room.

I turn around from the stove to see what was going on.

I see our three boys sitting around the laptop in a huddle.

Kind of like this…

The boys all begin yelling and have looks of terror on their faces. They have now backed up away from the lonely laptop.

The thoughts that are racing through my head…has the child safety features on our internet failed. What have they happened across…

I am now racing towards them as one of the older boys pushes his twin brother towards the laptop and he steps forward and slams the laptop shut while cringing. They begin to turn on each other.

“Why did you build it that short?”

“You should have sent a zookeeper sooner to catch it!”

Oh my word…I hesitantly open the laptop to see a ZooTycoon “NOTICE” on the screen that tells me a lion was eating the park visitors.

Our youngest, Peter, has tears in his eyes and says to his brothers, “Why did you let it eat those children?”

Zoo Tycoon. The game I bought for the kids because it was supposed to be happy and make their minds plan and organize, they get to create habitats and care for animals…lets the animals eat the zoo’s guests if you build the habitats wrong?

There are shrieks coming from the laptop. My three sweet boys have their eyes covered up as I shut down the game.

This really, really makes me laugh.

Have you ever met a person and thought that there was no chance you could ever be friends with them? I have a friend that is moving away and I have written her a reference letter to give to her new neighbors in case they judge her on their first impression like I did. Here is that story…

2 Broke(n) Girls

My kids need to be shipped off to a farm for a summer to toughen them up. So stinkin’ cute.

The Hydrangeas are Blooming, Do You Know What That Means?

The hydrangeas are blooming.  

Do you know what that means?

Sangria time!

How are you going to get ready for summer living?

I happened across this pic and thought any of you that watched the video from a couple of days ago…

 Sometimes You Have to be Bad to Remind Yourself You are a DOG

and enjoyed then you might like this pic I snapped without them knowing.

That dog has no idea she is a dog!

Have a great weekend and see you Sunday!

Abbie, All that makes you…  allthatmakesyou.com

Sometimes You Have To Be Bad To Remind Yourself You Are A Dog

Sometimes you just have to let “bad” happen.  Not only did I watch it.  I encouraged it.  I took pictures and I videotaped it.

(I VIDEOTAPED AND EDITED MY FIRST MOVIE.  IT IS BELOW AND ITS ROUGH)

Our mutt Lilly has never done anything that has ever resembled being an animal.

She doesn’t scratch herself, she uses a pillow under her head to sleep and she doesn’t even lick her butt.

She is telling me with her eyes to “go get her boys from school.”

She has NEVER dug a hole or even wanted to play with another dog.

Then the chipmunk ran under our lamp-post yesterday.  I knew she would never get it and if she did she would just want to cuddle with it.  Here she is stealing a cuddle from an unsuspecting soul.  Oh, it’s me but the one of Jim spooning her is better but I am afraid he will shoot my laptop.

She is a chicken dog.  Look here at her a couple of weeks ago hiding from a baby goose from behind a chair.

It must have run up into the post.  I even recorded it.  The boys were at school and I knew they would be shocked at our dog…well…acting like a dog?

http://youtu.be/A1d01a3qy_Q

I slapped this thing up here a few different ways since I am new to this.  They are all the same video.  I couldn’t get the first one to play so I added the Youtube version.

I cannot wait to play the funny video for the boys.

I even replanted the pansies and fixed it all up pretty again.

I had sleeping kids in the room and so I couldn’t have the sound on and so…We will see when it posts how it looks.  I don’t think I will ever be a movie maker.  Ha ha!

Jim Thinks it is hilarious how she sneaks up and sleeps on me.

For two years she lived
only in our kitchen and for four years she never went in a bed.

One day the kids were watching a movie laughing and she jumped up and we all FROZE!

Ten Things We Learned This Weekend

Here are things we learned this weekend…
1. When the kids ask for you to get a boogie board down in the garage in April, you better ask, “What for?”

2. Do not search for “bedtime stories about birds migrating” to read to your kid in bed, without first reading the story.  This makes for explanations that take far longer than bedtime story.

To hell with your city, I am back to the forest on my own – said the forest sparrow that befriended first with the city sparrow in the forest.

We too shall follow you – yelled the all other forest sparrows.”

3. April is too early to get out the blow up water slide, even if it is 83 degrees. I just added an extra month of drying, folding, packing, raking, and MUD to my life.

4. If you set the bowl of Doritoes on the porch SOMEBODY is going to put their foot in it.

(as if I am fast enough to get a picture of THAT)

5. When finally leaving your house to get take out at 8:00pm to feed your family, check the top of your car for your neighbor BOYS iphone 4S.

6. Download “iPhone tracker” onto every Apple device you own because it can find an iPhone sitting on the side of the road.

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7. Do not confuse the words cocky and melancholy because your mom will probably put you into a new school by Monday.

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8. If you blow up a water slide…they will come.

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9. If you blow up a water slide you better have a good selection of wine for the Mammas that come too.

10. We are going to have to learn to love, at least one, Canada Goose in our backyard…

Little guy was abandoned by his flock and another flock was beating him up all day and pecking him.  The boys waited a long time before finally swimming out to the island to bring him back.  The said they named him, “Lucky Duck.”  I reminded them he was a goose.  They told me his first name is “Lucky” and his last name is “Duck” and since they were his “new mom” now, they can name him what they want, (say a little prayer for me tonight.)

Mother Nature was probably doing “her thing” because the little guy has a bad leg.

The kids went to school and I was left with taking care of him and feeding him until we found someone who can rehab him, properly.

He flips over and likes his belly rubbed.  He makes a purring sound and you can see his eyes close.  What am I doing???!!!  I am at war with these beasts who crap all over my yard!  I buy fake coyotes to stare at them from our lawn!

Lilly, does not understand why we are “sleeping with the enemy.”  Lucky Duck got to sleep inside the laundry room.  It was NOT dying on my watch.  I would have never gotten my kids to school and it’s Monday and I REALLY, REALLY need them to go to school!

This is where Lilly went after “Lucky Duck” bit her in the nose.  Ugh…why didn’t I get a picture of that?!  Look BEHIND the chair.

Look at Lilly licking her lips thinking about how delicious Lucky Duck would be.

Here is Lilly telling me how good she is and how she deserves to cuddle with this little fluff ball.

And…GOT IT THIS TIME!  There is Lucky Duck reminding Lilly that ALL Canada Geese, even the little ones, run this property.

Here is Lilly realizing that it is better to just observe while waiting for the neighbor to take him off.  We made a deal.  I would keep him for the night and the other mom would run him to the right office today.  We had a slew of kids here that played all day.  I got a text message from a mom asking how “Lucky” was because her son was so distraught falling asleep that poor little “Lucky” might not make it.

“Lucky Duck” is at a Vet that is an avian wildlife licensed rehabilitation expert.  Or, the neighbor just told me that when driving off with him in the tote.  Either way I have photos to show the boys after school and now all I have to go feed are a dozen bullfrog tadpoles, some hermit crabs, turtles and a frog.  Lilly is off eating her kibble but dreaming of goose nuggets.

 

“Step away from the dogs mamma!  She is my mamma now!”

Seriously, she likes to be held. This was her telling my phone to “go away!”

Heading Out…

Walked by this on the grocery store shelf.  This is the stuff that feeds my soul.  Does that mean I’m going to hell?  I know God has a sense of humor.  I say that more than probably anything.

It is way too nice to be inside today so I’m heading out with the kids.  I have told them if they run the vacuum I will let them set up the water slide.  Yes, it is THAT nice out!

You have to have a “Ghost BustersVacuum cleaner if you want any boy participation.

I also told the boys they have to pick up all the dog poo in the yard before we blow up the water slide.  I know!  I am sooooo smart vacuuming and poo removal!!!

I will snap some pictures to share of them out today because this is the kind of Sunday we are going to have…

I have four stories to share with you I’m currently working on.  See…

Then Lilly started asking me to stop and take her out by the pond.  There are so many baby ducks and geese to see.

Don’t worry, she is terrified by them and wont hurt them.  Have a great Sunday and see you tomorrow!

-Abbie, allthatmakesyou.com

We May Not Celebrate Easter Next Year After This Crazy Easter Weekend.

The Egg I Made as TherapySo if I ever skip a day posting, like the Saturday before Easter

…Please say a little prayer for me.

I will have a new post I’m writing in my head that will have a title something like,

“I’m taking the Easter Bunny back behind the woodshed.”

or

“I’m going to kick that Bunnies A$$!”.

Story content will have everything to do with three little boys deciding to color Easter eggs without me.  I told them we would color eggs when I came back from the grocery store.  They called me on my cell while I was shopping to say they decorated the eggs without me.  They were so proud.

I exhaled while yelling in the phone, “BUT I HAVEN’T BOILED THE EGGS YET!”

Peter happily said, “I know Mom!  That’s why we poked a hole in the top and bottom of each egg and BLEW THEM OUT!”

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I came home with a suburban full of groceries and no way to bring them into the kitchen.  There was yolk on the back splash and floor was a hazmat site. Slimy egg whites all over the floor and dried egg white splatter all over the dark wood cabinets, the countertops, and the appliances. I am not even stressed out yet about the dye that is spilled all over the kitchen table and chairs and banquette.  I hadn’t even processed the fact my kids have put their mouths all over unwashed raw eggs.  The CDC is going to have a tough time determining if our salmonella outbreak is from our Easter eggs or from catching turtles in the pond.

Why YES, Peter did indeed bring a turtle from our pond to the club’s Saturday Easter brunch, because that is the only way we could get him out of the pond.

We woke up to find our baskets this morning and Peter received a giant container of SUPER bubble juice the Easter Bunny gave him.

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The Easter bunny was thinking it may kill some of the turtle germs on his hands.  Then, because AGAIN God has a sense of humor, Peter then immediately spilled the SUPER bubble juice all over on our shag carpet.  Our thick throw rug shag carpet on a wood floor with a foam grippy pad under it, like the kind of shag rug that needs a rake and makes me immediately mid-century modern cool because we have it in our house.

Little known facts about shag carpet and bubble juice.

– Bubble juice, SUPER bubble juice is sticky like glue.

– Shag carpet can hold about $197.69 in change before you notice that their is money in your carpet and this means it is NEVER letting the sticky SUPER bubble juice out.

– In order to get the bubble juice out you have to run pitchers of water through it.  repeatedly.

– In order to get the water out of the carpet you need a shop vac.

– When shop vac’s suction water and SUPER bubble juice it turns the shop vac into a giant bubble maker.

Let me paint a picture…bubbles and water spitting out of the top and sides of shop vac.  I am throwing towels over shop vac to knock down spray.  Shop Vac has pretty giant bubbles stuck to all of its cracks.

I’m still in my pjs due to bubble juice extraction is a messy, messy job.

Another bit of proof that God had a sense of humor is that the egg mess and the bubble mess did not happen in the same room.

Pray for me. Heck, you better pray for my kids!

I think I may have just written that post.  Writing is like therapy.  I tried my first post from my phone and finally opened laptop.  I kept updating as I wrote so sorry if you read a first draft.

Diagnosis: Full Blown Spring Fever (even the critters have it)

We get a little extra wacky around here when the weather begins to turn. My husband and I grew up in Michigan and fled for the sunny south. We really, really appreciate not having a white Easter“.

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Signs that spring has entered our lives.

This INSANE bird comes and tries to make a mud nest over the rocking chair that I sit and drink my coffee in. Since I cannot bring myself to take down a nest with eggs in it, I have to wage a daily war, everyday. I tried a hose to no avail. I finally took a VERY scary garbage bag and put it on a pole and shoved it up in the preferred corner. The wind shakes the plastic and it’s quite effective. Six years of beating down the bird with my clever brain, (so proud to be smarter than a bird brain). Six years of it circling my head squaking at me. How long do birds live? We all have to look at a pole for two weeks with a trash bag on it but better than bird poo on my head and in my coffee.

It’s warm out but the neighborhood pool isn’t open.

The boys start out fishing

but then want to go

turtle hunting.

They want to keep the turtles…

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…then we have have baby turtles all over the house.

Then I tell them to take the baby turtles back to the pond to their mothers.

Then they tell me they are reptiles and reptiles don’t hang around with their mom’s after they are born.

Then I end up with crying children who wish they were reptiles.

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We all feel like this

from the pollen.

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Lilly heads on over to

“Mama Abbie’s Day Spa”

for a spring haircut.

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“Mama Abbie’s Day Spa”

thinks its funny to

shave bloomers on the dog.

The dog thinks it is not funny.

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No one loves a stupid looking dog with bloomers shaved in.

Lilly hides until it grows out.

She wishes she was a reptile too.

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I cannot stop thinking about planting and flowers and trimming shrubs and planting peppers and flower pot color schemes and herbs and…

…I stop putting on makeup and don’t care what I wear.

I am pretty sure there is a reptile is living in my hair.