Sunday Dinner Cancelled, Bring Vodka and Mop

“Sunday family dinner is cancelled.  Bring vodka and mop.”

This was a particularly unbelievable story that began with an innocent shopping trip to the grocery store to make the perfect Sunday family dinner.

I was dressed in a sundress and floating about my kitchen putting away the groceries and planning the meal in my head.

The kids were outside playing with their friends.

Jim was outside golfing with friends.

All was right in the world.

Then I dropped a can of whipped cream.

It just bounced and as I bent over to pick it up it shot diagonally like a rocket.

So I twisted myself and tried to catch it on the bounce.

Wait that isn’t a bounce!

HOLY CRAP BAGS…IT IS SPRAYING UP MY DRESS AND ALL OVER?

It is shooting all over my kitchen like a Jimmy Neutron jet pack and I am on a three-second delay trying to choose which random direction the can of whip cream will take after the next interaction with any hard surface.

It is a micro fine spray, and it is making its way around my kitchen like a naked picture of a teacher in High School.

I can’t form words as I shuffle around making a sound like, “ahhhhh–ooah-oooooh-eeehh-OOOOHHH!!!!”

I cannot catch the stupid thing.  It finally spins across the wood floors as it runs out of jet fuel.

I look around and I am amazed that all of that fit in that little can.

It was all over the floor and the cabinets and up the walls about 8 feet.  We have dark cabinets with lots of crevices.  It was sprayed up into things at a funny angle.  Up and into things like my dress and under my pony tail.  That picture is of only half of the kitchen.  I may have helped it travel by kicking it on accident.

Whip cream hates me and I hate whip cream now.

Whip cream is sticky and creamy and I am fairly certain was developed by the same terrorists as the “automatic candy dispenser” or “Christine” as I like to call it.

I sent my husband Jim and the boys a text message…

“Sunday family dinner cancelled in lieu of exploding can of whipped cream, think Jimmy Neutron jetpack style.”

I sent my girlfriends a different text…

“Sunday Dinner Cancelled, Bring Vodka and Mop”

–Abbie and I love sharing with you, “All that makes you smile, laugh, think, love, cry or cry laughing.”   allthatmakesyou.com

Jimmy Neutron Photo from this website

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Horrific story and let them decide if they still want to do it.

JR took the older boys on a bike ride while Peter and I were at the grocery store.  The second JR, Avery and Mitchell came home Peter announced, “Mom got me a new pet!”

Peter told them to follow him to meet it.

JR and boys walked into our backyard with Peter and Peter ran ahead and he continued  right into the creek…THE CREEK that during certain times of the year is covered in an inch of bright green algae!!!! This was that time of year.  JR and the boys said Mitchell stopped breathing and could no longer speak he was so upset and JR shouted, “What are you doing?!!!”as Peter bent over and reached right down under the pond scum with his hand and pulled out his clam!!!

Peter announced, “This is my new pet I saved from people eating at the grocery store!”

JR asks, “How did you know where it was?!”

Peter replied, “That’s where I left him!”

Look closely...

You can see nothing during this algae bloom, despite putting raspberry blue (Jello looking) dye in the pond.  I decided to read them all the flesh eating pond bacteria story I had read that day in the newspaper about the girl who’s arm they may have to cut off.  I cannot yell all day long so I have adopted my mothers parenting tactic…horrific story and let them decide if they still want to do it.

I am beginning to doubt my mothers neighbor boy story who electrocuted himself (dead) at the breakfast table when he fished his bread out of a toaster with a knife.  Every year I’m a mom, my own mom seems a little less crazy.

"Please, please mom can we get him?" -Peter

No, because if I said yes we would live in a zoo." -me

Mr ButcherMan, you know who you are,

Your smiling and looking so amused at offering Peter the little clam he noticed was moving to take home as a pet.  I could still smell that stinker in my Suburban a week later.  Not funny.

If you like this story I’m guessing you will like “Aren’t you glad you only had to do that twice to get three kids?” that I posted in February.  I am super new to sharing my writing.  Follow me as I am trying to give something that is a fast read that makes you smile, laugh, think, love cry or cry laughing everyday.  Hope that you will check in and see what we are up to while you are waiting in the school drop off/pick up line or on the side of a practice field or after you read the news and you need something to relate to that makes you smile.