I Moved! Did You Know I MOVED?

Hello, I moved!

Come on over to the new place.

Abducted by Aliens.

At least that is how moving to my own site feels.

I no speak the language.

I would have taken you with me but

WordPress wouldn’t let me.  

If you were following me on WordPress as a WordPress follower you have to

head on over to my new site to continue

to read my stories.

I have a place for you to

subscribe by email

RSS

or even follow me on Facebook.

Head on over to my new place.

allthatmakesyou.com

I am still unpacking and decorating.

Stupid things keep happening to me…

I keep giving out my opinions…

The dog keeps sneak-attack-cuddling on people…

Our boys are still smuggling a small zoo in our home…

Oh, and we now have a cricket farm in the basement to feed EVERYTHING…

The boys tell me if the Mayan’s are right WE can eat the crickets too! (not happening)

Just in case the Mayans are right I am having my 40th birthday party on 12/21/2012…

Because I am just that STUPID LUCKY to turn 40 on “The End of the World.”

If you don’t follow me over at

allthatmakesyou.com

then you will never know if I ever reach the unobtainable goal

of a vacation stay to the nut house.

If it is really you, Bethenny Frankel reading this and you have FINALLY found me please just click this link and I will tell you where to send all the Skinny Girl Cocktails, Smoothers n’ Shapers, and all the other products to help me and my homies stay

39 FOR-EV-ER

(just in case the Mayans are wrong.)

Oh, and you are invited to my party!

Not just Bethenny, but all of you!

Ok, I might mean in spirit because I don’t know how you behave when you are at a party and they are serving booze.  Ok, fine because I don’t want you to take any pictures of me and behaving badly and then share them with all our internet peeps.

I think December 22 we are all going to be wishing the Mayans were right.

Anyone want to send about 100 hangover cures as party gifts?

Bethenny, are you making that yet?

Skinny Girl Hair of the Dog Hangover Cure!

You have EXACTLY

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Bethenny Frankel brings SkinnyGirl Margaritas to Dallas (Photo credit: CynthiaSmoot)

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Poor Tired Husbands and their Wives’ Naughty Books

I feel like an outcast.

My sweet, southern, girlfriends that I find so refreshing, have a little secret.

You can drive by their brick houses and see that something is going on with the family that lives there.  The pansies that were planted last fall are leggy in their flower beds and should have been pulled out a month ago, and replaced with begonias.  Their flower pots are sitting empty.  Has there been a separation?  Impending divorce?   Illness?

No, they just discovered “mommy porn.”  They are hiding in a little corner in their homes reading “Fifty Shades of Grey.”  I know because when we go to soccer practices or the club their whispering about it, giggling.  They greet each other with, “what page are you on?”  They declare that the second book is better than the first.  Everyone my age is talking about it as if they have never seen the opposite sex’s private parts in the daylight.   They are acting like a locker room full of high school boys with a dirty magazine.  I feel so left out!

It isn’t that I don’t want to read Fifty Shades of Grey.  I would love to be in the middle of the giggling.  I would love to feel all naughty with my mom friends.  It is just that the situation I am in forbids it.

You see I bought my dad a Kindle for Christmas.  I used my Amazon account to set it up for him and so far everything I have downloaded on my Kindle has loaded up onto his Kindle as well!

He is reading the books I buy and download before I do.  He is commenting and updating me on what he likes about the books that I haven’t even begun reading.

I AM NOT HAVING A BOOK CLUB DISCUSSION WITH MY DAD

ABOUT “FIFTY SHADES OF GREY!”

I found our seven year-old Peter’s beloved Bunny like this.  Maybe I could borrow Peter’s copy of the book when he is done with it.

It isn’t just the women that are being affected by this series of books.  The husbands look tired.  I heard one mom shout out to her husband at the lounge to “not have too many” and then give him a wink.  I heard another tell her husband he better have a protein drink because she was going to sit and read while he is out playing golf, and when he gets home she might need some “attention.”

This is yet another reason to be mad at the Kindle.  My poor husband is missing out on the  “Fifty Shades of Grey husband byproduct effect.”

This is NOT “The South” you read about in “The Help” anymore.

Abbie, All that makes you… allthatmakesyou.com

Click that “Follow” button or subscribe if I put a smile on your face.  I promise this is the first dirty book review of a book I have never read.  I wont think you are “bad” if you subscribe to my site on a day that I am writing about bondage books.  I would think that was awesome but ask that you not try to figure out where I live. 😉  Oh, and Peter loves to leave his bunny in precarious situations for me to find.  It is like a sport for him.  This is why I know my three boys will be the next generation of kids on that show, “Jacka$$” and I will be that boys poor mom.  Little girls don’t tie up their baby dolls and leave them for their mom to find and giggle around the corner.

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Do Not Tell My Kids About The Zombie Apocalypse!

“I told my kids the Zombie Apocalypse has started in Miami and we are awaiting confirmation from the government. This is what I have been preparing my kids for at the shooting range.”

I received this text message from my girlfriend I call “Crazy Sarah” yesterday.

I call her that for reasons that are already obvious to you.

When she calls my cell phone the photo below comes up. She already knows I use it for her contact information. When I drove past the sign I had to turn around to take a photo of it, then I sent it to her. I am wide open with teasing and she is fine with it. I like a girl that can handle ribbing like a man.

“Crazy” doesn’t scare me away. I decided before I met her I was going to be her friend.

I had heard about one of our country clubs members getting called before the board for her behavior during a couple’s golf tournament. The story spread like wildfire and I was fanning the flames. I wanted to know who this new member was that “borrowed” a plastic coyote out of one of my neighbors yards and drove around the golf course with it on top of her cart. I wanted to steal a plastic coyote intended to scare away pooping geese TOO!

I decided I liked her long before I really knew her. Now that I know her I am afraid to not be her friend.

She will be mid-sentence and suddenly go looking for her phone to call her husband. You will wait while she dials and when her husband answers you will hear her say, “DO NOT TOUCH MY DEAD SQUIRREL. I just got the maggots working. Leave it where it is.” Then she hangs up the phone and finishes her sentence. She collects bones.

So, you may remember my recent story “Two Broke(n) Girls” about my unlikely friendship and the reference letter I wrote for my bestie to give her new neighbors after they have met her the first time and decided they don’t like her, like I did. Well, my friend did indeed sell her house and I am distraught. Her family is going through their closing procedures and I am, (trying) to sound like a supportive friend, (because that is one of the things she taught me.)

Then I hit a moment of genius. Well, first I asked another friend that owns a nursing home if I could borrow a couple of dead bodies for a few hours before they have them “officially” hauled away.

When he didn’t respond to my text I had ANOTHER moment of genius!

Crazy Sarah and her animal bones! Crazy Sarah and her animal bones and my best friends home inspection! All I have to do is move Crazy Sarah’s dead-critter-science-experiment to my besties sealed crawl space. Throw in a few index cards with dates in front of the dead stuff and add a photo of my adorable fluffy dog, Lilly, and a future date written on her index card and…

They aren’t moving anywhere!

This was even better than the dead old people in the crawl space. That would have been a logistical nightmare and their yard is steep so hauling Fred and Myrtle would have been a two person job.

Then I remembered the high-pitched, sing-song voice that Crazy Sarah used when she said to her husband, “Do not touch my dead squirrel. I just got the maggots working. Leave it where it is.” She was smiling as she said it.

I cannot move Crazy Sarah’s dead stuff. She will kill me and I will be part of her new “dead stuff collection.”

Ironically while I was writing this Jim and my boys were discussing music and I heard Jim say, “Suri, define “Crazy Train” and play song from “YouTube.”

Here I am with “Crazy Sarah” the bone collector.

She asked what we were going to do for the next picture and I said, “I’m gonna lick your nose!”  This is why I’m holding her cheeks and trying reach her nose and she is wearing a shocked face.  Who knows, maybe she calls me “Crazy Abbie.”

Here is to all of the friendships that help each of us be who we are. My bestie makes me proud to be a mom and mother and “Crazy” reminds me that just because we are those things it doesn’t mean we can’t have fun and…explore our own hobbies???

–Abbie, All that makes you… allthatmakesyou.com

Hit the “Follow” button if you enjoyed reading.  I hope to give you a place that makes you smile, laugh, think, love cry or cry laughing.

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We Would Live In A Zoo, Maybe We Do?

“I have decided I do not want a Veiled Chameleon anymore.  I would like a Jesus Christ Lizard instead.”  – Peter

He has been talking about this chameleon for MONTHS.  So I ask him why he changed his mind.  I also added the appendage to the question, “When your wife agrees one day.”  This is how I now answer pet requests.  “Sure, you can buy a ball python, as long as your wife agrees one day.”

Don’t judge. I spend every day making them put things back outside that they “rescued” from the pond.

His reply, “I want  a Jesus Christ Lizard because they walk on water.”

I answer, “That’s cool.”

(Photo courtesy of Strange Animals)

He adds, “Besides, you wouldn’t let me have the chameleon because it is a hundred dollars and if Jesus Christ dies he was only thirty-five bucks.

I don’t need a “wing man” I need an assistant to spend the day reasoning with three little boys why we don’t live in a zoo.  Oh, and to wash their turtle hands and check them for leaches…

Ok folks, this is a boy thing right?  Please tell me this is normal or else I am going to have to buy them a pet store one day with their college money.

– Abbie, All that makes you…  allthatmakesyou.com

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Video Game That Goes Terribly and Hilariously Wrong

I was in the kitchen cooking and I hear horror movie screaming coming from the family room.

I turn around from the stove to see what was going on.

I see our three boys sitting around the laptop in a huddle.

Kind of like this…

The boys all begin yelling and have looks of terror on their faces. They have now backed up away from the lonely laptop.

The thoughts that are racing through my head…has the child safety features on our internet failed. What have they happened across…

I am now racing towards them as one of the older boys pushes his twin brother towards the laptop and he steps forward and slams the laptop shut while cringing. They begin to turn on each other.

“Why did you build it that short?”

“You should have sent a zookeeper sooner to catch it!”

Oh my word…I hesitantly open the laptop to see a ZooTycoon “NOTICE” on the screen that tells me a lion was eating the park visitors.

Our youngest, Peter, has tears in his eyes and says to his brothers, “Why did you let it eat those children?”

Zoo Tycoon. The game I bought for the kids because it was supposed to be happy and make their minds plan and organize, they get to create habitats and care for animals…lets the animals eat the zoo’s guests if you build the habitats wrong?

There are shrieks coming from the laptop. My three sweet boys have their eyes covered up as I shut down the game.

This really, really makes me laugh.

Have you ever met a person and thought that there was no chance you could ever be friends with them? I have a friend that is moving away and I have written her a reference letter to give to her new neighbors in case they judge her on their first impression like I did. Here is that story…

2 Broke(n) Girls

My kids need to be shipped off to a farm for a summer to toughen them up. So stinkin’ cute.

Poor Husbands and their Wives’ Naughty Books

I feel like an outcast.

My sweet, southern, girlfriends that I find so refreshing, have a little secret.

You can drive by their brick houses and see that something is going on with the family that lives there.  The pansies that were planted last fall are leggy in their flower beds and should have been pulled out a month ago, and replaced with begonias.  Their flower pots are sitting empty.  Has there been a separation?  Impending divorce?   Illness?

No, they just discovered “mommy porn.”  They are hiding in a little corner in their homes reading “Fifty Shades of Grey.”  I know because when we go to soccer practices or the club their whispering about it, giggling.  They greet each other with, “what page are you on?”  They declare that the second book is better than the first.  Everyone my age is talking about it as if they have never seen the opposite sex’s private parts in the daylight.   They are acting like a locker room full of high school boys with a dirty magazine.  I feel so left out!

It isn’t that I don’t want to read Fifty Shades of Grey.  I would love to be in the middle of the giggling.  I would love to feel all naughty with my mom friends.  It is just that the situation I am in forbids it.

You see I bought my dad a Kindle for Christmas.  I used my Amazon account to set it up for him and so far everything I have downloaded on my Kindle has loaded up onto his Kindle as well!

He is reading the books I buy and download before I do.  He is commenting and updating me on what he likes about the books that I haven’t even begun reading.

I AM NOT HAVING A BOOK CLUB DISCUSSION WITH MY DAD

ABOUT “FIFTY SHADES OF GREY!”

I found our seven year-old Peter’s beloved Bunny like this.  Maybe I could borrow Peter’s copy of the book when he is done with it.

It isn’t just the women that are being affected by this series of books.  The husbands look tired.  I heard one mom shout out to her husband at the lounge to “not have too many” and then give him a wink.  I heard another tell her husband he better have a protein drink because she was going to sit and read while he is out playing golf, and when he gets home she might need some “attention.”

This is yet another reason to be mad at the Kindle.  My poor husband is missing out on the  “Fifty Shades of Grey husband byproduct effect.”

This is NOT “The South” you read about in “The Help” anymore.

Abbie, All that makes you… allthatmakesyou.com

Click that “Follow” button or subscribe if I put a smile on your face.  I promise this is the first dirty book review of a book I have never read.  I wont think you are “bad” if you subscribe to my site on a day that I am writing about bondage books.  I would think that was awesome but ask that you not try to figure out where I live. 😉  Oh, and Peter loves to leave his bunny in precarious situations for me to find.  It is like a sport for him.  This is why I know my three boys will be the next generation of kids on that show, “Jacka$$” and I will be that boys poor mom.  Little girls don’t tie up their baby dolls and leave them for their mom to find and giggle around the corner.

Related articles

• ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ author brings book tour to Mass. (enterprisenews.com)
• Fifty Shades of Seriously? (scarymommy.com)
• Our families downward spiral to being the next generation of Jacka$ cast. (allthatmakesyou.wordpress.com)

Happy Mothers Day Ya-Ya’s!

Happy Mothers Day!
Happy Mother’s Day Ya-Yas!!!!!

May your day be filled with hugs and dishes making their way through the dishwasher without your assistance. May not one tattle happen for 24 hours and may you eat whatever you desire, without having to prepare it!

Love y’all and Ya-Ya mammas rock, (or at least shows our kids that the fun doesn’t end when a baby pops out and they have a whole bunch of misadventure to look forward to when they are parents!) 😉

And here is what they prepared for me. The drink is solid because the made “homemade juice” and this is just my first course I’m told.

Then they ask for me to go make them the Texas French toast that I promised them last night (I was trying to thwart such displays of love through food and dirty pet turtle hands.  I’m going to start a round of antibiotics probably.

I just finished my post for tomorrow morning.  I just love this one.   Can’t wait to share it.  It had me finding 60 year old photos of my Grandmother, before she had a family of her own.  The pictures are like a window into who she was before she she assumed the role of everyone caregiver.  She was a hell raiser and my best friend.

Abbie, All that makes you…  allthatmakesyou.com

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