The $hit my kid says is better than your dad’s $hit

“Old soul” is so over used.  Peter is more like a crotchety, disgruntled old man stuck in the body of a seven year old.  You all know the guy that became famous for sharing “Shit my dad says“, well his dad should know better!  When your young child starts saying this stuff you begin to believe in reincarnation, of Archie Bunker
I am sharing with you today some of the $hit Peter says…
When Peter was five years-old Jim was trying to wake up the boys early for breakfast.  He only had success with the older boys.  He lifted Peter’s blanket and said, “Time to get up!” Peter’s reply, “I keep trying to open my eyes but they keep closing. Can you just bring my coffee to bed?
“You have to try my coffee this morning it is so good!”  I tried it, it was good…it should have been it had about a cup of creamer and a pound of sugar! When did he start pouring himself a cup of coffee and who told him he could?  He was five.
Peter instructed me that I was not to cheer him on during his first swim meet.   He told me I I was not to yell, “Go Peter! Kick, kick, kick, Good job!…” He said, “That is for BABIES!” I asked him what I may yell. He said, “ONLY ONCE you may say quietly in a Darth Vader voice, Go Peter”.  I looked so weird.
“I’m drunk on chocolate milk mom!!!!!!
And the next step is a bar fight!!!!!”
“Oh no! You gotta be kidding me!” I inquire as to what his dismay is about and his reply…
“Yesterday at tennis camp a kid had on this exact same shirt you laid out for me, (cute tennis rackets embroidered on it) and the other kids were whispering what a nerdy shirt it was and I was like yeah he looks like a super NERD, and now I have to wear the same shirt!”  I explained many lessons including Karma.

When Peter started kindergarten I asked him how school was going.  Elliott, “Horrible. My assistant teacher is so mean!”

Me, “What is her name again?”

Peter, “Ms. No.

Me, “Ms. Snow?”

Peter, “No! Ms. N-O! Like she says NO to everything! 

About a week later he came home from school and said, “Ms. No quit. I asked if she got fired but my teacher said she just quit.” Thank goodness we had a curriculum meeting that night. I asked his teacher if it was true she no longer had an assistant. She confirmed that Peter was correct.

Our kids have traveled enough to be accustomed to walking through a metal detector. What struck them all funny while entering a pro basketball arena is that were using the wand to manually scan people. Peter stood in line for a long time completely fascinated watching people step up and put their arms out and legs out while the gal went all around them. He asked if they were going to do it to the kids as well. He asked what exactly they were looking for and he asked LOUDLY, “What are you going to do with your pocket knife mom?!” I felt it best to ignore him like he was just some crazy kid. He showed me. He waited until the mob of people were even closer to the security person and said again, “Whaaaatttt are you going to do with your pocket knife MOM?” It’s always a good day when it ends without my kids getting me arrested.

He came home from first grade with the above picture.  I spent FOREVER trying to figure it out so he wouldn’t be insulted.  A mom having multiple babies perhaps?  I finally asked and wished I hadn’t.

His reply, “Oh. that’s Fat Bastard from Austin Powers and he’s all like…GET IN MY BELLY!  That is the guy being sucked in his stomach.”  For the record my darling husband let him and his older brothers watch a couple of scenes from the movie, when I wasn’t around, I found out.


Peter doing his kindergarten homework, “This is just ridiculous homework. She wants me to count our windows and doors. I’m only counting the doors that go outside.” He writes 8 for doors. Then I look down and ask him what he wrote in the space for windows, as I’m confused . Elliott, “I just wrote the symbol for infinity because this homework is dumb and I’m not walking around counting windows! Like I can’t count. I’m sure!”


Pulled over to fill up with gas on our way home to NC and Peter proclaims, “Free air! Why would anyone pay for air? It’s everywhere! It’s even in your butt!”

He said he was going outside to play


The kids had a random day off from school so I dragged Peter with me to run some errands. While at the mall and after telling poor Peter this was the last store, “I promise!” We were at the checkout counter when Peter did the thing I do to the kids when I mean business. Peter standing to my side said, “Mom” (to get me to look at his face) then he says, “Mom, I need you to walk back out of this store and through the mall with your eyes closed. Do you understand? No more looking…eyes closed.” (said out of the top of his eyes with a tortured look of Lurch from the Adams family.)


This is what everyone with kids below age five think of their kids


This is what happens when they turn five and have two big brothers.
“Mom, since I cannot tell if my hermit crab is a boy or a girl…can I name it uniSEX? (said with the sex in a low slow whisper and a coy look on his face) You know, like a bathroom and not like a bad word.”


When the second year of swim season was about to begin I asked Peter if he wanted to be on the swim team again.  His reply, “No, and if you make me I will break my own arm so I can’t swim.
Jim’s mom was here visiting. I am pretty sure I’m going to win “Mother of the Year” after this one…Peter, as most people know, prefers his hair on the “longer” side. It is currently on the longest of the longer sides right now. Jim’s mom asks him if he wants to got get a haircut. Peter’s reply was that he likes his hair like this and that he is not losing “that” twenty bucks. Jim’s mom confused asks him what he is talking about and he says, “two of my buddies and I have a bet who is going to get a haircut first and Will already got his cut now it’s just Andy and I left.” I was speechless and yet supportive of his endeavor and also certain none of them have thought about where the 20 bucks was coming from. 


The teacher has him write down his favorite dish that is made at home and has him write down how to make it. Then the teacher has the parents submit the actual recipe. What recipe does Peter come home requesting? Beef loin with shallots and rosemary.


 Peter’s perfect Saturday morning…Star Wars computer game..rockin the head phones, in his underwear, at his big brothers desk. You cannot keep clothes on him! He would live on Hot Tamales…he is so strange!
Peter woke up recently chuckling. I asked him what was so funny that early in the morning. He replied, “Oh, I dreamt about tasing the Tooth Fairy. She was all sneaking and taking my tooth and I was like…my mom emailed you to leave it and the money! Then I taser her! It was so funny when she was like ahhhhh!”
He really is a sweet boy and will grow into, were hoping, a funny old man.  Read about our other two boys on the “Us” tab.  Follow my blog if you enjoy hearing about real kids who aren’t crafting all day and are in a Harry Potter book club and are usually barefoot in a creek with a golf club.  That is us.

17 thoughts on “The $hit my kid says is better than your dad’s $hit

  1. Pingback: Introducing Us | All that makes you…

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    • I love it! Could only be better if you peed yourself. I’m glad everyone enjoys my little stink pot. I am going to have to figure out how to post video. He has taped some terrible things on my phone. I found one last night where he was using a laser pointer and doing commentary as he was pretend “assassinating” Lego guys. Ugh…all in his sweet low raspy voice and giggling between. If he didn’t spend so much time saving animals and flowers he would have a psychologist.

  3. Um, this is hilarious. I wish someone would bring me MY coffee in bed. And the tooth fairy tasing is just a hoot. I do believe you are right that our kids would be fast friends.


  4. Your kid and your stories are hilarious! He is the kid every teacher loves/hates to have- I say hate simply because they remind us teachers of how dumb we really are. BRILLIANT post!

    • It will be hard to believe but he is so the best kid ever in the classroom. The teachers love him he is so helpful. It’s because he is so smart that he sees the irony and ridiculous in things…and comments! 😉 I am going to add a few more tomorrow and you will see just what I mean.

  5. Oh shoot! Next time I’m depressed, could I borrow this kid for a day? Maybe it would only take 4 hours. I am SO Not getting anything done–this is like watching TV, but no commercials and you can just keep coming back to it! After reading his request that his coffee be brought to him in bed, I could hardly see to read the rest! God bless you all abundantly.

    • Oh he’s a riot. I’m just happy I am his favorite person. 😉 he was ten days overdue and 10 1/2 pounds so we joke he wasn’t coming out until he could hold his own with his brothers. Thanks for reading!

  6. Lol! Great kid stories. With five, we often have hilarious stories. That last photo was amazing:)

    You son sounds a lot like my younger (now 15) son. And I can’t tell you how many times I came home from a girls night out ready for a quiet evening at home (if you know what I mean) to find that not only were the kids up 2 hours past bed time, but they’d be watching something like “Jurassic Park”, “Shawn of the Dead” or yeah, you mentioned it “The best from Austin Powers!! Gotta love it.

    • What is it with these dads? It’s funny how when you meet a kid you just know if he was cut from the same cloth as one of yours. He told his teacher what the picture was ! It is a wonder how I hold my head up. 😉 if you read my post, “forgot to tell the. To keep their heads out of the toilet” you will see that the teachers kind of expect it from us. Oh, and “only to me or Old Christine or Elaine from Seinfeld”. Nothing like a black wig shoved in a duffel bag wide open at the foot of your kindergartener to get the teacher talking!

  7. your 7-year old & my 7-year old need to go bowling….it’s totally the little brother syndrome, God love ’em

  8. I don’t have children by choice and have never met one that really made me want to put an ovary to use, but Peter is the first to come close. What a cool kid– he and your other sons must just keep you on your toes! Thanks for sharing.

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